LIFE & DEATH, and all that in-between...

FALL 2011

2011-12-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

So I have been a bad blogger, but since it’s more for my own personal “release” of stress I suppose it doesn’t really matter. As I write this I am currently at least 20 reports behind. We are short staffed and busier than last year and there is no relief in the near future thanks to budget cuts. On a flip side, the emotional vampire who is usually sucking the lift out of me on top of everything else has been gone for over a week now YAY! And even though that makes us more understaffed, it somehow is less stressful this way. It’s a shame things are that way… recently I had an incident where I accidentally broke some equipment while trying to do my job without injuring myself… the emotional vampire was on days off – so I countered the gossip issue by telling pretty much everyone myself before she came back – leaving her without much to add. Everyone finds out everything around here anyways, why not cut to the chase and take the sting and fun out of it by telling the story myself – MY way! Besides, she hasn’t been talking to me as much lately after a couple of episodes of her being “snippy” with me and me responding in kind… ironically she then acted like I was a grouch! Seriously?

So it’s finally cooling off here! That means too cold to swim but it’s a nice break from the heat. I’m looking forward to doing some driving around looking at Christmas lights! Normally I would be looking forward to decorating for Christmas as well but since we have recently adopted a puppy, I am questioning the safety of decorations at home… She is very smart, very fast and loves to keep her jaws strong chewing on new (to her) and interesting things!

I recently read about the man who had a heart attack and collapsed at a store on “black Friday” and other shoppers just stepped over and around him and continued with their shopping, WHO DOES THAT? What is our country becoming? How is shopping so important that people could do that? I cannot understand what kind of person would do that. I can understand people who are afraid to stop for a stranded motorist and call 9-1-1 to report it as they drive by because they are scared it’s a trick, but in a store, with lots of other people, there isn’t really a danger to stop and check on that person. In a time of economic crisis, shopping for material NON FOOD items has become THAT important? Not that being in a market would have made it ok but I could see where a starving person might act irrational…

So besides the damaging equipment I recently got taken advantage by a little old lady – as in almost 80, because I admit, I judged her by her appearance. Normally I don’t judge people by appearance but her, I did. I assumed because she was a frail little old lady who could barely walk and needed a breathing treatment she must be an innocent little granny… BUT NO she was a conniving lying thief. SERIOUSLY! I know, I can hardly believe it myself, but she was. I must admit my faith in my fellow human being is really dropping to an all time low. Shopping is more important than a human life and little old grannies are crooks… so sad.

Well I suppose I should get to working on my reports… just needed a few moments to vent! The emotional vampire will be returning to work tomorrow – thankfully I will be off and then she will be off when I return so it will really be another week or two before my life source starts being emotionally sucked out again…

Summer 2011

2011-12-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

So in my last post I talked about listening to Christmas music in the summer… well ironically last summer I was doing the same thing – it’s my way of retaliating against the heat – like it is even effective at all… but it makes me feel a little better – so last year, in the middle of summer I was listening to my Christmas music and I get a death call – middle of the night, and I go out to the house and the first thing I see when I enter the residence is a Christmas Tree – I kid you not!! This lady had a fake Christmas tree in her front room, with ornaments and fake snow and fake presents and fake snow on the presents… SERIOUSLY I thought Allen Funt from Candid Camera would be coming out anytime. She had some cool furniture though – strait out of an Ozzy & Harriet episode and in her cupboard she had dishes for different occasions – patriotic, spring, fall. I bet she was a real character in life! I actually got a real kick out the Christmas tree! I was told she kept it up all year round!

2011-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

So what kind of crazy person listens to Christmas music in July when it’s over 100 outside while writing death reports… oh wait that would be me… it’s a mental counter attack against the oven like heat of the blazing sunshine. Don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of the sun on my skin, until it starts to burn it and cook my brain through my skull – which is usually within 15-20 minutes during summer.

So I’ve been reading this book called Emotional Vampires – it’s an attempt at surviving one of my co-workers. All my life I’ve been told I am dramatic – and I sure can be, but this coworker, whom I’ll call “Elvira” just for the sake of irony – well she makes my dramatic flare look like I’m semi-unconscious. Seriously she makes EVERYTHING into a traumatic experience… even when it’s not her experience. Something will happen or someone will do something that has NOTHING to do with her, she will discover said event during one of her snooping escapades (nothing unlocked or on your desk is safe from her – especially your case files) and she will start ranting about the incident and the more she rants the more amp’ed up she gets. And she spends most of our shift at my desk, talking to me, and I can’t get MY work done… then if I don’t run out the door fast enough she catches me in the parking lot and talks to me for like an hour… and I can’t make her go away because it’s one of those situations where it would be so much worse to have her as an enemy because then everyone in our entire unit would hear my dirty laundry … well even more than they probably hear already because even though she talks badly about the “gossips” of the unit, she is one of them… and there is not ONE person in my unit I could rant about her to because it would get back to her faster then I could start the next sentence. Seriously - are we all back in middle school, because it feels like it sometimes!

Soooo after writing the recent comment about we must be back in middle school – I walk past the sidewall of my desk and see that someone has turned my nameplate upside down. My sense of humor seems to fade when I have had yet another baby case. Not just one, but two – in the same week. Not to mention this morning when I came into the office, my soup bowl was in the break-room sink – DIRTY – and apparently waiting for me to wash it. The problem is I DIDN’T USE IT… it seems like I find it in the sink dirty several times a week… finally I had enough and decided I am in middle school too – and I washed it and promptly put it in my lunch bag to take it home….

While I drive… 06/13/2011

2011-06-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

I love my iPod!!! – let me clarify… I listen to music A LOT… but I also have podio books and podcasts on there that are great when I am driving back and forth to work. I started out with the old radio shows from the 40’s – 70’s and a couple months ago discovered Mike Bennett’s podcasts. Definitely not for the prudish or faint of heart but entertaining! I first listened to “Hall of Mirrors”, then found “Underwood and Flinch” but when I got caught up and was waiting for the next episode I started listening to “One Among the Sleepless”… definitely quite the story – or should I say stories since it is about multiple characters… and now I am back to anticipating the next episode of U&F!!!! So if anyone is actually reading this and wants something interesting to listen to – check out http://www.mikebennettpodcast.com/ for yourself!!

Work can be such a bummer…. Spring /2011

2011-06-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

So… it’s been over a year since I’ve been here and debriefed myself, but no worries, I don’t think anyone has noticed… it’s just like all the times I talk to myself or the dead body I’m working on because there is no one else there to listen… I just think it is important to purge it whenever I can. First of all I’m back on days for the first time in years. It’s good and it’s bad at the same time. It’s good in the fact that I work almost the same days as my husband and in theory we should get home at about the same time but that doesn’t always work out. The bad of it is it’s summer and it’s hot and humid and I don’t do the heat very well… especially if I’m standing in the desert in the sun for hours… then there is the fact that most of the supervision works during the day. Not that I don’t do my job sufficiently, but sometimes I just want to say BACK OFF AND LET ME DO MY DANG JOB! Especially because there is many of them and NONE of them agree on anything.

The last couple of months have been very busy… and some of the cases have really sucked. I don’t have the best relationship with my family, parents, kids, etc but I DO NOT understand how people let their loved ones starve, or lie in their own urine and excrement until they get a bedsore to the bone, or hurt a newborn baby because you are mad at its other parent… WHO DOES THAT? Today I watched a video of an orangutan gently helping a baby bird but we can’t trust adults with their elders and their children… some days I can barely get out of bed knowing what I have to face at work… today a woman sent me an email of her loved one’s eulogy, complete with photos of him. It’s so much easier to do my job when I don’t think too much about their lives because I feel so bad for the friends and family left behind. This is the part they don’t show on all the popular forensic shows… but this isn’t very entertaining…

Well enough of this bummer babble….

Death dreams and pillows...

2010-04-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

So I've always had weird vivid dreams... and last night I dreamt that my husband and I were working a case together. A child homicide case and we were digging up the body ourselves and there were artifacts around of a teddy bear, toys, clothing and such that belonged to the child or were put there with the child and we were bagging them in evidence bags and the alarm went off for hubby to get up and go to work and I woke up and said where’s my little pillow (I sleep with a little pillow under my arm for my shoulder) and he says “huh?” and I said I think we put my pillow into an evidence bag by mistake! The saddest part was he just said it’s probably on the floor next to the bed, so I roll over and there it is, and he kisses my forehead and says go back to sleep babe. Now most people would be distraught to have dreamed about a child death and yet because of our jobs (he’s investigated many crimes against children of all kinds) we just go back to sleep? Don’t take this wrong, we aren’t insensitive, but we are so over exposed that when it’s not real we don’t bat an eye. How sad is that?

Consuming grief....

2010-03-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

The world of death investigation can be very interesting and yet so heartbreaking. Ironically what I get asked the most is how do I deal with all of the blood, guts, other body fluids, decomposition, maggots and all their little insect friends - and I always reply the same... "That's the easy part"... it's the GRIEF. The all consuming grief that comes with the job. That's the part they don't glam on tv. As death investigators we get called wierd, gross, strange and an host of other things because we keep a mental distance from what we do and therefore seem uneffected by it. But, in reality, we mentally consume it all. We KNOW we are working on a person, someone's loved one, someone who had a life and probably did some great things or maybe someone who died tragically and never had a chance. That knowledge reminds us that each day we wake up is a gift, and each day our loved ones wake up is an even bigger gift.

I was an autopsy tech before becoming an investigator. I've done autopsies. On kids. As a mother I can't put into words what it does to the mind to have literally cut up a kid. It's does something to the heart and mind that can never be erased or fixed. Some days I work so hard to mentally distance myself from the job that I wonder if I can come back enough to communicate properly with the "normal" world.

Knocking on doors to announce to someone their loved one is never coming home is an awful task. Because they are instantly grieved and the line between being compassionate and keeping a mental distance = that line is very blurred because EACH time my own grief comes to mind. In the last 6 years I've lost my mother, my grandmother, my godmother and several other friends and family and when I am comforting and speaking with someone who's grieving - grieving because I have just told them the bad news, then I feel my own grief. And sometimes it is persistant. Last night I went to the gym, checked my email and went to bed. It all seemed so simple and yet my mind decided to relive my mother's death and have an all night memorial service for all those I've lost in the last 10 years. All night, even after waking up, shaking it off and going back to sleep, I resumed the memorial. In a way it was nice to remember good times with these loved ones, but that hurts even more when I wake up. And so today, I vent this out, looking for relief because in a few short hours I'll be back on the job... adding to the grief.

Road rules, scary stories and reports...

2010-03-13T02:23:00.000-08:00

So I'm driving to work, on the freeway, and for the millionth time it seems I am behind a slow driver in the fast last and I just gotta know... is there a rule that says all the slow drivers are supposed to spread out across the lanes, and all drive the same slow speed so that no-one can get around any of them? Seriously? I'm thinking they get some kind of newsletter where there is an event planned. Hey- all you slow drivers, lets all meet at this highway, on this day and we'll do a slow drive pack maneuver and see how many people we can make scream and yell at us... because I have to admit.. I'm not a nice driver. I mean there are times when I do good things, nice things, like I'm the car who lets the truckers in, because no one else does and who wants to piss off a trucker? Did you know if you rear-end a semi you are often somewhat decapitated? Or your car catches fire from the impact? I've seen it up close and personal... nope I'm making truckers my friends... but these people who get in the fast lane and drive 2 miles under the speed limit. What is up with that? And they look at you like you are a horrid person for wanting to drive 10 miles over the speed limit... hey I don't WANT to drive a little faster, it's just I'm always running late - because I'm a mom and always trying to do that one last thing before I leave... so I'm always running late, so then I'm in a hurry to get to work. Why? Who is in a HURRY to get to work? But I am because it's important to me to get there, get in my uniform and be ready by the beginning of shift because it's not cool to be running late when there is a case waiting and work to do.

The drive home isn't so bad though... so many less idiots on the road, just drunks but I enjoy phoning them into the highway patrol. I'm tired of drunks killing everyone but themselves. And to complete my night of working at the morgue, I listen to old time radio shows from the 40's and 50's - creepy old radio shows. The sound effects are a little lame but the stories are entertaining none-the-less. One night after turning all the lights off in the morgue and driving home down the dark rural highway, I was listening to an episode called the Shadow People... and of course everyone once in a while I'd drive past a big billboard or pass a car which cast a moving shadow through my car and it'd creep me out and MAKE ME LOOK. I'm a grown woman, who works with death all day and I let a little radio show creep me out and MAKE ME LOOK. Apparently as crazy as I seem to be, my mind can separate it all and I don't even have nightmares about the creepy stuff. Nope, I'm a list maker, I spend my sleeping hours stressing over what I didn't get done and what I still have to do. A nightmare to me is dreaming I'm working a case and can't get anyone to answer my questions or can't get my report typed because the phone keeps ringing... OH WAIT that part is true!! Except I finally got the last 2 weeks caught up, which means you can bet tomorrow night - oh that would be later tonight - I'll be slammed. It usually works out that way. So I guess the smart thing to do would be to go get some sleep... it's cold outside and my hubby has turned on the electric blanket so it will be toasty when I climb under the covers... that's love!

How did I get here....

2010-03-12T03:26:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, I would have never guessed I'd grow up to be a dedicated wife and doting mother and certainly didn't think I'd end up with a scalpel in my hand doing autopsies or investigating deaths. It's been a long road to get here and each day is it's own story. This blog is my debriefing... maybe some will relate, some will find it moving and some just won't care and never come back but for me, it's my way of getting it off my chest. In a odd way I enjoy my job and do my best to help the families left behind with their grief and guide them with what to do next. I don't mind questions about death investigation but for obvious reasons can't be specific about my cases. Stay tuned...